I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
