omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
