Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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