I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
