Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
