he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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