We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drunk is a universal language darling
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
