Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize