You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
