o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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