i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
