I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
