i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
