i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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