i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
