I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
