I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
