i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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