Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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