ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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