omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
