How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
