you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
