did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
