Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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