i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
