did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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