Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
