i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have feelings that need drinking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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