Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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