I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
