I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
