my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
