i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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