I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
