it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
