: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
