You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
