i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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