dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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