I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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