Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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