The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
