My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
