It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
