she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
two words...techno handjob
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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