please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
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We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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