I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
