i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize