I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
