I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
