Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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