just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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