Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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