I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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