What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
