I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
