Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
