I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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