i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
