Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
