So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
