Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
