mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
